Message from my friend Lulu:

Laney - are you going to be on the telly-box? x

Text from my friend Norrie:

"Get off my telly Sahara! x"

Text from my friend Lois:

"I just saw you on TV!"

Text from my ex-boy:

"Thursday night 9pm, I'll be watching BBC1...x"

Email from my Aunt:

"Is this documentary anything to do with you?"

Text from my friend Marvyn:

"Where are you? You in the UK? I just saw you on BBC1! It's usually me on TV haha! x" (he was on shipwrecked last year)

Text from my friend Jo:

"According to the Mail on Sunday: 'Sarah Louise Cane is as capable at blogging as she is at bikini-wearing' can't wait to see 'Britains most voted entrant' on Thursday... c u then x"

Text from my friend Simon:

"Can't wait to see you make a tit of yourself on Thursday... where's the premiere?"

Email from my friend Michelle:

"Hi boys and girls. Forget Leicester Square, the premiere of the century is going down in Leyton. Thurs night 8pm onwards we'll be watching 'Sarah Louise Lane' (Mini) prat around on TV, with cocktails and canapes... from ASDA"

Oh dear... it's looking increasingly unlikely that this is going to slip by unnoticed... and I don't think a surname typo is going to be enough to stop people realising it's me...

Text from Holly (other British candidate):

"Want to go into hiding...?"

Text from me:

"Yes"