Message from my friend Lulu:

Laney - are you going to be on the telly-box? x

Text from my friend Norrie:

"Get off my telly Sahara! x"

Text from my friend Lois:

"I just saw you on TV!"

Text from my ex-boy:

"Thursday night 9pm, I'll be watching BBC1...x"

Email from my Aunt:

"Is this documentary anything to do with you?"

Text from my friend Marvyn:

"Where are you? You in the UK? I just saw you on BBC1! It's usually me on TV haha! x" (he was on shipwrecked last year)

Text from my friend Jo:

"According to the Mail on Sunday: 'Sarah Louise Cane is as capable at blogging as she is at bikini-wearing' can't wait to see 'Britains most voted entrant' on Thursday... c u then x"

Text from my friend Simon:

"Can't wait to see you make a tit of yourself on Thursday... where's the premiere?"

Email from my friend Michelle:

"Hi boys and girls. Forget Leicester Square, the premiere of the century is going down in Leyton. Thurs night 8pm onwards we'll be watching 'Sarah Louise Lane' (Mini) prat around on TV, with cocktails and canapes... from ASDA"

Oh dear... it's looking increasingly unlikely that this is going to slip by unnoticed... and I don't think a surname typo is going to be enough to stop people realising it's me...

Text from Holly (other British candidate):

"Want to go into hiding...?"

Text from me:

"Yes"

No clouds = silver lining

After 25 years of life, I find I have developed pretty effective ways of dealing with most problems that are thrown at me.

For example:

1) You hate your job : leave the country
2) You can't stop eating chocolate/cheese/christmas pudding: use the flooding technique*
3) You don't have a house: live on your friend's sofa
4) You have no money: adopt the London money saving tactics**
5) You're cold: leave the country
6) Your housemate rugby tackles you into the bathroom and rubs a mouldy chicken carcass in your face: you wait until he leaves the house and recruit your other housemates to help you remove every single item from his bedroom and immaculately reassemble it on the landing.
7) You have an important exam: you wait until the day before and cram everything you can get your hands on into your short term memory using your synaesthesia colour fixing techniques.
8) You just cut yourself a fringe and decide you don't like it: wear a hat.
9) Your sister has moved to South Africa and you miss her: leave the country
etc etc...

However, there is one problem that I am just not sure how to deal with. The 'the BBC have made a documentary, which probably features me looking like a tit, and it's been given a BBC1 primetime broadcasting slot' problem. I'm not even sure leaving the country is going to solve this one, since it doesn't stop the 60 million residents of the UK from still tuning in...

Today, though, there was a glistening of hope. England is expecting a heat wave and supposedly the hottest day of the year is going to be Thurday 2nd July - the date of the documentary. Hurrah! No one stays in and watches TV when it's 30 degrees outside. I'm safe! If I don't mention anything then it's highly likely that nobody will even notice.

Thank you, weatherman, for making my day.


* A method where you continuously eat the food you are obsessed with until it makes you feel sick, then you dwell on the feeling of sick until you've built up a decent association with the food and your shouldn't want to eat the food again for about 6 months.

** substituting Cafe Nero with cafe a la 'Nat West', abusing free wifi internet (available at the Apple store, Islington Green, Pret in Holborn, and outside my sister's front door), adopting a diet consisting only of toast, and the odd bit of bus jumping.